I am not ashamed . . .

. . . to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Lately it seems that one ought to be ashamed, what with all the cries of “haters” against the members of the church and the Church itself.  And honestly, that really makes me sad, because I don’t hate anyone. I think that if any organization is allowed to speak out in favour of its view of morality, it ought to be a church or religious organization. Yes, members of my faith actively worked to help the passage of Prop 8 in California. Does that mean they hate homosexuals? Far from it–they (we) (I) believe that marriage is a sacred covenant between a man, a woman, and God. That’s not our definition–that’s God’s definition.

I’ll admit openly that I’ve struggled a lot with this issue. I have some people who are very, very dear to me who are homosexual. I see the things they fight against every day, and it breaks my heart. So when I tell you that I stand beside my church leaders, please understand that means a lot. I’m risking hurting people I love, having them think I hate homosexuals, hate people who don’t fit into a certain mold. Trust me–I don’t fit into any molds myself, and I know what it feels like to be deeply hurt by people I love.

This has been incredibly difficult to see unfold. I see photographs of people, their faces twisted in anger and hatred. I see them seemingly singling out the LDS Church for the success of proposition 8, and see them identify us as haters. I see ugly signs posted outside the temples that I hold to be sacred places. I see hurt, anger, frustration, and bewilderment everywhere.

I know there are continued demonstrations and rallies planned outside LDS temples. I know that there is serious call for a boycott of Utah. I know people are seeking to have the Church’s tax-exempt status revoked.  All those actions will not change the mind and will of Heavenly Father, anymore than a child’s wheedling and whining will not change the mind of its parents should the end result in harm to that child.  I’m reminded of a verse of scripture: “How long can rolling waters remain impure? What power shall stay the heavens?  As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints” (Doctrine & Covenants 121:33)

I don’t know personally any LDS members who will tell you they know why things are the way they are, but like everyone else does in this world, we walk in faith, even when it’s hard.  I know that not everyone shares that faith, but everyone has faith in something, whether it be himself/herself, science, family, or anything else that gives people something to cling to.

I  say again that I am not ashamed to be a member of this church. I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I wish that I were a better person, but with all that I know and do, I want to follow Him.

Obedience

I am a very stubborn person. One could use the term “mule-headed” and not be far off the mark. I’m not usually very vocal about my stubbornness, but it shows nonetheless.

Last week my husband and I were at loggerheads. I’ve not been happy with my job, and wanted to get hired on at the university. Since I’m planning to go to grad school and get a M.A. in History, it seemed logical. The position I wanted over there paid what I’m currently making, and various factors would actually have me netting more money. Then after a year, the half-price tuition would make going to graduate school a lot more affordable. I listed out all the pros and cons of both going there and staying where I am. It was obvious. It made no sense to stay in my current job. None whatsoever.

So when I told my husband about it, he told me that he felt I need to stay where I am. I was seriously upset. We argued back and forth for days about it. He was out of town, so the arguing took place over IM, which helped a little bit. I felt that he wasn’t listening to me, because how could he listen to my well-reasoned logic and not agree with me? He felt that I wasn’t listening to him. The fact is, I believe, that both of us were listening to each other but not hearing each other. Finally he agreed to pray about it once more, and I agreed to pray as well. The next day I woke up feeling that I should make my points again, calmly, and then follow his counsel for me. When we started IMing, we were both pretty calm. He asked for some information that he had not requested before, and I could tell that he was paying attention to me. But then his final counsel was the same: stay where I am. I cried, I was so frustrated. I told him that I was going to follow his counsel, but that I didn’t agree with him. His response was that I should just do what I wanted, then, and we got a little angry with each other before things finally settled down.

I will confess that once I let go of that other option, I did feel a lot better and more peaceful about staying in my current position. And some things have happened in the last couple of days that give me hope that this position will turn out to be a lot more challenging and interesting than it has ever looked like it could become in the 3 years I’ve been here.

What does all that have to do with the price of tea in China, you may be asking. This weekend was general conference, and I watched 3 of the 4 general sessions (our electricity was out on Saturday afternoon, so I missed that session). And while I watched, I was pondering a lot of things. I remembered Bishop H. telling me that a lot of things boil down to obedience. I thought of myself tearfully asking my husband why I couldn’t change jobs, and his not having an answer. The fact is that just as I have to trust that Heavenly Father knows what’s best for me, He’s not always going to tell me why. I have to trust and obey.

My husband holds the priesthood. He and I won’t agree on everything. There are some matters that are small and relatively insignificant, and our disagreement doesn’t mean I can’t go ahead and do what I want. But there are matters that are large, and have the potential to impact our family in a serious way, and in those cases, I feel that I should humble myself and follow his counsel. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I agree with him when I make that decision. It does mean, though, that I recognize his authority as a priesthood holder, and I’m willing to submit to that authority because I believe that he genuinely seeks the counsel of the Lord in these matters. He loves me, and he wants me to be happy. So if he tells me that he feels it’s better for me to take a course of action after he’s prayed over it, and after I’ve prayed over it, well, we can’t both be right, now can we?

The Book of Mormon talks about some people being stiff-necked. I think of that as being proud and stubborn, unwilling to bow their heads to Heavenly Father, unwilling to get on their knees and pray and humbly accept His counsel. I don’t want to be stiff-necked. I want to find the better way in this life, and live in a way that will bring peace to my heart and my home. It’s hard sometimes, at least, hard to get started. Once I do, though, I do get that feeling of peace and calmness, and it’s lovely. I’m tired of kicking against the pricks. It’s time to obey. I don’t have to know all the whys and wherefores; I just have to trust. I can do that.

Tolerance

Yeah, I’ve been away for awhile. Bipolar? Not so much fun. I’m just sayin’. But I’ve been diligently working with my doctor and the nurse practitioner, and I’m starting therapy again.  So things will get better. I have faith.

Anyway, I found this passage in a book I’m reading, and wanted to capture it before I forget where I read it. (When you read a lot, you do things like that.)

“The traditional definition of tolerance is living peaceably alongside others in spite of differences. But that view of tolerance has been twisted today to mean that everyone must accept the other person’s viewpoints without question because truth is relative. What’s true for one person may not be true for another person, right? . . . That was exactly what was happening in the days of Noah and in the days of Lot. Everyone was doing what was right in their own eyes. And it’s the same today. Society preaches tolerance of every viewpoint and everyone–with one big exception: those people who have a strong religious faith. That’s where their double-standard tolerance ends. Incredibly, people of faith are persecuted precisely because they do believe in absolute truth, in absolute moral values.” (Frank Peretti, Babylon Rising: The Secret on Ararat, p. 78)

I’ve noticed in myself lately the reluctance to state my opinion about something, because I know how it would be viewed by my friends or people who might be reading what I have to say. I’d be viewed as intolerant, anti-women’s rights, homophobic, etc., when the fact is that I’m none of those things. I believe that Heavenly Father has given us commandments on how we should live our lives out of love and kindness, out of a sure knowledge that to follow those commandments leads to life eternal. 

I know it’s easy to say that I should step up and be open, regardless of the consequences. But if those consequences including hurting people I dearly love, what then? How do I handle it? These people have already been so badly wounded by life. Right now I do a lot of praying, and trust that the Lord will guide them and me.