La Vie Est Bonne

I’ve got a friend who’s going to nursing school. I think she’ll make a fantastic nurse, and I’m really proud of her. Yesterday we chatted about her graduation (next May), and I’m going to fly out there to share that moment with her.

I’ve been thinking about this. Do you ever have friends send you those surveys with questions such as, “Do you like your handwriting?” (yes, usually); “Do you have any tattoos?” (no, and I don’t  want any); and ”Do you believe you can be anything you want to be?”

While the first two questions are, for me, easily answered with just a few words, the third question there leads me to a lot of introspection. See, I think that answer is “no.” I might want to be a nuclear physicist, but it’s not going to happen. God did not gift me with the ability to understand and comprehend the things that a nuclear physicist needs to understand. I can do basic math. I understand a little about science. But that’s as far as it goes. Let’s just say that I’d never have graduated university if my wonderful husband hadn’t taken the time to tutor me in math, and thank goodness for Astronomy for Dummies 101 (at least the first semester with the TA instructor; the second semester class that was taught by a rocket scientist–literally–was a lot harder to pass).  So no matter how much I might want to be that nuclear physicist, it would not be a practical dream.

Maybe I want to be a movie star. Maybe I hope and dream about it, and plan out my Oscar acceptance speeches (okay, I’ll confess to the latter, having accepted Oscars in the categories of best screenplay, best adaptation, and best actress in a fantasy or twenty). Here again, I’m talking about a dream that’s not practical for me. I’m an okay actor, I suppose; I’ve been in a grand total of three plays, and one of them took place when I was in 3rd grade. Yeah, the last play I got a writing credit, and I got to make people cry and it was fantastic, but it drained me. After weeks and weeks of rehearsals and immersing myself in the tragedies taking place in Ciudad Juarez, I spent at least a solid week crying every time I had a moment to myself. I don’t know how to use my voice properly; in the last few shows I was getting hoarse. Acting on stage is a great experience, one I’m incredibly grateful to have had, but I don’t want it to be my life. So here again, being a movie star isn’t going to happen. I don’t have the ability or enough desire to bring that to fruition.

I could go on and on. I want to be lieutenant governor of the state of Texas. I want to be an archaeologist. I once wanted to be a psychiatrist, because I’m fascinated by the human mind. That last ambition is particularly humourous, as I recall sharing it with my 10th grade biology teacher the semester I walked into his class every day during the dissection units, only to be sent to the office because I was boycotting dissection. Not for any moral reasons, either; I was just squeamish. Okay, I still am. So here are some more things that I might want to become but can’t.

I’ll bring it closer to home. I want to be a mother. Want it so desperately that it hurts sometimes. But it wasn’t part of God’s plan for my life. I had stage 4 endometriosis. That means that I was in constant pain and it was completely impossible for me to get pregnant without serious medical intervention. That failed, and after a lot of prayer and pondering I chose to have a hysterectomy. And we thought of, and talked about, and prayed regarding, adoption. The answers to those prayers were a loving “no.” And I wondered and wondered about that. What is the purpose of my life, if I can’t be a mother?

What a silly question! Maybe the purpose of my life is to teach people that you won’t get everything you want, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a good life.  Right now I will tell you that I’ve never felt more blessed. My husband and I have a deep love for each other. We have two dogs to take care of, and who bring a lot of joy into our home. We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, jobs, responsibilities. We have incredible families, loving friends. I have books to read, movies to watch, songs to sing. I have the internet, which lets me sit here and record my thoughts for anyone interested enough to read them. 

So okay, I’m blessed. Still, what about the question? Do I believe you can become anything you want to be? No. I don’t. But life can still be great. 

What does all this rambling have to do with my friend? While she, like most people, has her moments when she weeps over something that is not, or cannot be, she doesn’t sit on a couch and stuff bonbons into her mouth while she bemoans her sorry existence. No, she gets up and goes to college to study a field that utilizes her gifts and abilities. She works in a field related to her planned career. She has looked into options after graduation. She shares her knowledge with others. Every day of her life, she blesses somebody.

Is she doing what she always thought she wanted? I don’t know. Is she doing a great work? Absolutely. And that’s why I want to be there next May. I want her to know how proud I am of her, and how much I admire her dedication not only to nursing, but to living a good life.

And in case this isn’t flowing smoothly, I’ll add that it’s 4:38 a.m. and I’ve been up since 6 a.m. yesterday. I got home around 3:30 a.m. after a “shut-up-and-read” party with my sisters and couldn’t sleep until I uploaded some of the data in my brain.