I have a lot on my mind, so this post may seem garbled and confusing. Feel free to ignore it. I’m just trying to sort things out in my head.

First of all, the opposition I’ve encountered since I made the decision to get back onto the path I know to be right is just so–I can’t even find a word to describe it. Aarrgh! You know? Just, aargh!

Like one night I was watching a DVD with the Oscar-nominated shorts from a few years ago. The first film was the hilarious West Bank Story, and if you haven’t seen it, you totally should. The second film was called The Saviour, and it very quickly became apparent that it was mocking out Christianity, and to anyone who knows anything about the LDS faith, specifically our faith. I tried to get back to the menu. It wouldn’t let me. I tried to skip to the next movie. It looked like it would let me, and then went back to replay that stupid film again. I took the DVD out of the player, put it back in, got to the menu, and it wouldn’t let me do anything but play that film. So I took it back out, put it back in the niftly little envelope and shipped the DVD back to Netflix forthwith.  

Then when I was at the library on Monday, I picked up a book on secret societies that looked as if it might be interesting. Yesterday when I opened it up to read it, a page or so into the introduction the author starts talking about her career as a renowned psychic and how her spirit guide helps her. I immediately shut the book and tossed it into the back seat of the car in disgust. I haven’t read anything by psychics, or I suppose her name would have set off alarm bells for me. But another book I read this year was allegedly given to the author by her spirit guide.

I won’t have anything to do with that stuff. Period. Not at all. And it’s infuriating to see how my best efforts have these stupid little rocks thrown onto my path in an effort to trip me up. It’s not a temptation to me, as I don’t find that stuff desirable. But it’s like this reminder that I really messed up, and I’m never going to be able to walk through life without having those reminders pop up. “Hey, Faith, you did this! Hey, Faith, you did that! Doesn’t matter what you’re doing now, because you are bad, bad, bad!” And I know I’m not.

Someone very close to me frequently reminds me of all the mistakes I’ve done since we’ve known each other, and it’s like a knife wound when this person does it. “I’ve just got to vent,” s/he says, and I’m left wondering who I’m supposed to vent to. I don’t remind this person of everything s/he has done wrong since we’ve known each other, and why is it acceptable to have it done to me? But this person doesn’t get it. And it really hurts. Of course I’ve done things wrong. And I have done/am doing everything I can to repent. I’ve confessed them to the person(s) I hurt, I talked to my bishop about them, I’ve prayed, I’ve done everything I can to make it right, inasmuch as that’s possible, I’m humbling myself, I feel true sorrow for my wrongs. But does humbling myself mean that I have to let myself be verbally whipped whenever someone feels the need to remind me about my wrongs? What do I do? How do I handle it? I’d appreciate any advice here, because this is really troubling me.  It’s like the person thinks that I don’t feel bad enough, and I need to be punished some more.

Okay, another big thing on my mind right now: my husband has told me, not unjustly, that I’m like a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to another. He’s right. I am. I’ve been that way all my life. I don’t know how to not be that way. Ask my mother–she’ll tell you about the 3 years that I listened to no music except the Beatles, or the 2 or 3 years I read everything written by, for, or about F. Scott Fitzgerald. I’ll get a bee in my bonnet about something, and it is in my nature to study everything I can on that subject until I get saturated or bored, and then I’m off to something else. I think my husband thinks my newfound recommitment to my faith is one of those pendulum swings. He sees me reading the scriptures every night, cleaning up my language, going to church, praying–and thinks it’s one of the fads. I’ve told him that it terrified me to realize how far I’d strayed, and right now I really am immersing myself in the things of the gospel as a shield and an armour so that I can protect myself.

That doesn’t mean I don’t ever listen to music that’s not church music. It doesn’t mean I never read anything except books written by the general authorities, or the scriptures. It does mean that I hear things I’d not noticed before, or see things that I was formerly blinded to. Compromise can be a good thing. It can also be a really bad thing. I’d compromised my beliefs, and walked blindly off the path that leads to life eternal as a result. I don’t want to do that again. I’m choosing to follow Christ, and to obey the teachings of the prophets. There’s nothing more to be said. I choose this.

I feel like I disappoint almost everyone in my life, whether I’m trying to do the right thing or whether I’m not. And it stings and it hurts when they cut me with their words. But I choose whom I will serve, and I will serve according to the dictates of my conscience. And if I’m meek and quiet when people say or do hurtful things, that doesn’t necessarily make it right. I’ve punished myself enough, and I don’t think it’s right for anyone else to try to punish me further. What happened when the prodigal son went home? He was welcomed with open arms and a feast was held in his honour. His brother was jealous because he had never strayed, and his father said that all he had was his, but his brother, who was lost, was found. Why can’t the people who need to hurt me so they can vent or unload or whatever they want to call it instead be glad that I’m not lost anymore?

Normally when I write something this disjointed, I’d go back and try to fix it up. I’m not going to this time, If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening.